The Secret Life of Furniture by Hugo
28 Feb 2016
CHARACTERS
TEL (TEL LEE) – the television
REM – the remote
SOPH FUR – the sofa
TRANS SISTER – Nerdy Vietnamese Female Inventor
STEW PID (TV BROADCASTER) – Voiceover
MUM – voiceover
DAD (KENNETH) – voiceover
KID 1 – voiceover
KID 2 – voice over
SETTING
A lounge Room in a family home
TEL, REM and SOPH FUR are scattered around the stage
SCENE ONE
TEL
Hey Soph, did you see the sports channel last night? Football was so close, basketball was tense, and gymnastics made me FLIP! What did you think?
SOPH
Uhh…
TEL
Oh, and did you catch that ad for “Harold’s Hot Dogs?” ‘Duh duh duh! Harold’s hot dogs… we’re on a ROLL!’ Whup! Ha ha!
Pause
SOPH
I don’t get it?
TEL
(To the audience) She NEVER gets my jokes. NO wonder she was on sale when the people bought her… but then again, what did we really expect from a flat-pack sofa? Those people sure can be clueless sometimes, like when they bought that lamp, what an idiot!
REM
Right you lot, let’s get moving! The people are gonna be down here soon and they want to see WACKY WEATHER! TEL!
TEL displays static
REM
OH CUT THAT OUT!
TEL
Eat static, Rotten Rem!
REM
Don’t call me Rotten Rem! My name is Rem – look out! The people are coming!
REM appears to be grabbed. Then Channel changing noises can be heard. Finally REM seems to be tossed on to SOPH.
STEW PID
(Broadcaster voice over) This is Stew Pid, and this morning on Weird World News, the world’s only reliable news, we bring you a sensational story- SURVIVORS FOUND ON BOARD THE TITANIC!
MUM VOICE
Wow! Listen to that, kids!
KID 1 & KID 2
Wait till we tell our history teacher!
TV is broadcasting Weekly World News now. Scene of ‘Titanic Survivors Found On Board!’ is on. TEL is horrified when the family believe it.
TEL
PLEASE! YOU NEED TO STOP WATCHING THIS! IT’S MELTING YOUR MINDS!
MUM VOICE
Kenneth! Did you say something? Oh now I can’t hear anything but static!
REM
He he! Well, it’s a bit late to “change” things now! Bwa ha ha!
Clock or hourglass to indicate time is passing. Tick tock sound.
DAD
No. We’d better throw out this TV anyway-it’s obviously faulty!
KID 1
Yeah, we’ll get that mind games-sorry “Headtrix TV”.
KID 2
Yeah, Cornelius ginko, my worst enemy has a 25 inch TV. We’ll get that 90 inch Headtrix one for only $150!
MUM
We’ll go to “Headtrix Are Us” first thing in the morning.
KID1
Oh it’s Monday tomorrow!
DAD
Oh, who cares about school! There’s a new TV at stake here- we’ve gotta get that new one before that Ginko enemy of yours does!
KID 2
YEAH!
ALL (Voiceovers)
(Snapping fingers & singing) Headtrix jingle.
SCENE TWO
TEL and REM appear to be thrown across the stage and land near TRANS SISTER.
REM
Where am I? THE BACK ALLEYWAY?! THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT TEL!
TEL
How is it MY fault?
REM
I don’t know, but nothing is my fault. And why am I right next to the bins? I cannot work under these conditions!
TEL
Be quiet, Rotten Rem. Your great puddin’ of an on button should stay put for once!
REM
Why you – look out! There’s someone already here!
TRANS SISTER
Wow, what have we here?
TEL
(whispers) Is this is the part where we blow up!?
TRANS SISTER
Ha ha! Not today!
TEL
Wait, you can understand us? I’m Tel.
TRANS SISTER
Yep! I have a brother Trans and I’m Trans Sister. Now, if it’s okay with you, I’d like to do some experiments…
REM
Stop! I forbid you!
TEL
Shhh…Rem…maybe we can get some help…?
TRANS SISTER
Shut it, Rem you control-freak! Now, Tel, what would you like most in the world?
TEL
My own voice, please! One that all can hear!
TRANS SISTER
Very well. Then I’ll give you the power of speech. To do that, I’ll need the assistance of Rem here.
REM
Wh-what are you doing? Unhand me at once, human!
TRANS SISTER
Mimblewimble!
There’s a flash. Rem disappears. Beat. Then from behind TRANS SISTER emerges ANNE TENOR
TRANS SISTER
Tel, I’d like to introduce you! Whenever you wish to say something, you need only to say it through your antenna, the aptly named Anne Tenor and it will be repeated by the stereo that I built from Rem’s parts!
ANNE TENOR
Delighted to make your acquaintance!
ANNE TENOR bows
TEL
Grand! Hi Anne, I’m Tel Lee Vision, but you can call me Tel.
TRANS SISTER
And, Anne Tenor will be amplified by the stereo – which I’ve also acquired for you-
STARE-EE-OH steps out from the other side of TRANS SISTER.
TEL
Thank you so much! Welcome…wait what should I call this stereo?
TRANS SISTER
Hmm, well he kind of looks like he’s looking at us…?
TEL
Oh, I know!
ALL (The characters)
Stare-ee-oh!
Everyone laughs.
THE END
Photo credit Flickr by Chris